when is it bedtime at micheal jackson's house?
when the big hand is on the little hand
lol
Quantum Raiders Forum
Online Gaming and so much more
joke
17 posts • Page 1 of 1
by Ryuujin » Sat Sep 17, 2005 7:00 pm
I only got a half. TT_TT
<img src="http://www.naruto-kun.com/images/narutotest/shino.jpg" alt="naruto" width="212" height="97" border="0"><br><b><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="1"><a href="http://naruto-kun.com" target="_blank">Which Naruto Character Are You?</a><br>Test by <a href="http://www.naruto-kun.com" target="_blank" title="naruto">naruto</a> - kun.com</font></b>
</font>
I have ceased to exist within the holds of qrRO the game, but someday I shall return to conquer.
</font>
I have ceased to exist within the holds of qrRO the game, but someday I shall return to conquer.
-
Ryuujin - Conquerer
- Posts: 1274
- Joined: Sun May 08, 2005 10:52 pm
by CrimsonBlade » Sat Sep 17, 2005 7:32 pm
...... sick
In this world of emptiness there is no form, no feelings, perceptions, impulses, or consciousness. No eye, ear, tongue body, or mind. Therefore, no color, sound, smell, taste, touch, or thought. The world of form does not exist, nor the world of the mind or of ignorance; no old age and no death.
When the mind does not become attached to anything, there are no obstacles and fear does not exist. This mind goes beyond all disruptive views and attains Nirvana
wisdom of enlightenment as the great unexplainable true word
- Buddish Lotus Sutra
<img src="http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a227/daydreamer1229/vetcopy.jpg" alt="Image hosting by Photobucket">
When the mind does not become attached to anything, there are no obstacles and fear does not exist. This mind goes beyond all disruptive views and attains Nirvana
wisdom of enlightenment as the great unexplainable true word
- Buddish Lotus Sutra
<img src="http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a227/daydreamer1229/vetcopy.jpg" alt="Image hosting by Photobucket">
-
CrimsonBlade - Slaughterer
- Posts: 2850
- Joined: Fri Apr 23, 2004 12:23 am
by CrimsonBlade » Sat Sep 17, 2005 8:08 pm
CrimsonBlade @ Sep 17 2005, 06:32 PM wrote: ...... sick
qoute
In this world of emptiness there is no form, no feelings, perceptions, impulses, or consciousness. No eye, ear, tongue body, or mind. Therefore, no color, sound, smell, taste, touch, or thought. The world of form does not exist, nor the world of the mind or of ignorance; no old age and no death.
When the mind does not become attached to anything, there are no obstacles and fear does not exist. This mind goes beyond all disruptive views and attains Nirvana
wisdom of enlightenment as the great unexplainable true word
- Buddish Lotus Sutra
<img src="http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a227/daydreamer1229/vetcopy.jpg" alt="Image hosting by Photobucket">
When the mind does not become attached to anything, there are no obstacles and fear does not exist. This mind goes beyond all disruptive views and attains Nirvana
wisdom of enlightenment as the great unexplainable true word
- Buddish Lotus Sutra
<img src="http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a227/daydreamer1229/vetcopy.jpg" alt="Image hosting by Photobucket">
-
CrimsonBlade - Slaughterer
- Posts: 2850
- Joined: Fri Apr 23, 2004 12:23 am
by homestar » Sun Sep 18, 2005 5:13 pm
wats black and wite that sings like a girl thats constapaded
MIKHEAL JACKSON!!!
MIKHEAL JACKSON!!!
http://www.bigad.com.au HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA this is funny
-
homestar - Advanced Member
- Posts: 35
- Joined: Sat Jul 30, 2005 2:59 pm
by David » Sun Sep 18, 2005 8:18 pm
* Q: Have you heard about Michael Jackson's new book?
A: It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing."
* Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is white, made of plastic, and is harmful to kids to play with and the other is to carry around your groceries.
* Q: Why did Michael Jackson go to K-Mart?
A: He heard boys' pants were half-off!
* Knock Knock. Who's there? Litle boy blew. Little boy blew who? Michael Jackson.
* Q: What do Michael Jackson and a Big Mac have in common?
A: They're both 30 year old meat between 10 year old buns!
* Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a Perfect 10?
A: Two 5 year olds.
* Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: Because they aren't his!
* Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's toaster?
A: The bread goes in brown and comes out white.
* Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A: From a catalogue.
* Q: Why did Michael Jackson call Boyz-2-Men?
A: He thought it was a delivery service.
* Q: What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
A: Michael Jackson
* Q: Why was Michael Jackson relieved of his Cub Scout Leader duties?
A: He was up to a pack a day.
* Q: What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
A: Michael Jackson slumber party
* Q: Why doesn't Michael Jackson sleep with boys anymore?
A: He's tired of all the cracks.
* Q: Did you know they're putting a Michael Jackson stamp?
A: Fans get to vote for the white or black Michael Jackson.
* Q: Why's Michael opening a sperm bank?
A: He always has a shitload of semen.
* Q: Who's Michael Jackson's favorite poet?
A: Emily Dick in son.
* Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a proctologist?
A: A proctologist doesn't pay for the assholes he's poked around in.
* Q: What's the worst stain to try to remove from a little boy's underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's makeup.
* Q: Did you hear about the new "Michael Jackson" candy bar?
A: It's made from white chocolate, and contains no nuts but kids like it.
* Q: Why does Michael Jackson hide for a couple hours after one of his little friends leave?
A: It takes that long to get the bubble gum off his dick.
* Q: What's the difference between Mr. Potato and Michael Jackson?
A: Michael Jackson has more noses.
* Q: What's Michael Jackson's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Little Boy blew.
* Q: How did Michael Jackson get in trouble?
A: He was feeling a little Randy.
* Q: Why does Michael Jackson like children so much?
A: He knows how they feel.
* Q: How can you tell when Michael Jackson is giving a party?
A: By all the Big Wheels in his driveway.
* Q: What makes Michael Jackson so unique?
A: It's the little boy inside him.
* Q: Why is Michael so tough?
A: He can lick any kid on the block.
* Q: What's the new movie about Michael Jackson called?
A: The Hand that Robs the Cradle.
* Q: What did Michael Jackson say after he was interrupted during sex?
A: Shit happens!
* Q: What's the difference between a horse racing jockey and Michael Jackson.
A: A jockey can mount 3 year olds legally.
* Q: What's Michael Jackson's new movie?
A: Honey I blew the kid.
* Q: What's Michael Jackson's favorite group?
A: New Kids on the Cock.
* Q: What's sex like for Michael?
A: Like candy from a baby.
* Q: What psychological problem does Michael Jackson still suffer from?
A: Anal retention
* Q: What do Michael Jackson and Catholic school nuns have in common?
A: Both are a pain in the ass to kids.
* Q: Why's Michael Jackson cutting down on public appearances?
A: He wants to spend more time with the kids.
* Q: How are Michael Jackson's friends like U.S. veterans?
A: They all get fucked in the end.
* Q: Why does Michael Jackson want to move to Ohio?
A: He heard there's a Youngstown there.
* Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson was taken to the Emergency Room?
A: He was choking on a small bone!
* Q: How many times does 12 goes into 35?
A: Ask Michael Jackson.
* Q: How many Michael Jacksons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Michael Jackson only screws little boys!
* Q: What's soft brown and sometimes found in little boy's diapers?
A: Michael Jackson's hand!
* Q: What's the worst thing about making love to Michael Jackson?
A: When the crib breaks.
* Q: How do you find out Michael Jackson's sperm count?
A: Look it up in Webster's.
* Q: How do we know Michael is guilty?
A: Several children have fingered him.
* Q: How is Michael now?
A: Feeling a little crotchety.
* Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest record?
A: "Feel the ?World."
* Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest song?
A: "Don't let your son go down on me."
* Q: What did Michael Jackson say when a boy in a car mooned him going down the road?
A: "I'll be there!"
* Q: What is Michael Jackson's favorite gospel song?
A: "And then he touched me."
* Q: What did Michael Jackson say to Lorena Bobbit?
A: Silly Bobbit! Dicks are for kids!
* Q: What do Michael Jackson and Miss Bobbit have in common?
A: They both played with little wieners.
* Q: Why did Michael Jackson get food poisoning?
A: He ate a nine year old wiener!
* Q: Why did Michael Jackson get kicked out of the school cafeteria?
A: Because he ate all the kids' wieners.
* Q: What does Michael Jackson call a circumcision?
A: Foreplay.
* Q: What do Michael Jackson and an xbox have in common?
A: Both get turned on by kids!
* Q: What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?
A: They both leave little boys' rooms with empty sacks.
* Q: What do Michael Jackson and Dr. Spock have in common?
A: They both know how to rear a child.
* Q: What do Michael Jackson and Michael Jordon have in common?
A: They both play ball in the minor league.
* Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan?
A: One is in Minors, the other is into Minors.
* Q: Why's Michael trying out for the NBA?
A: He's a crack shooter.
* Q: What does Michael Jackson have in common with NASA?
A: It's been 25 years since his first moon landing.
* Q: What is Michael Jackson's favorite holiday?
A: Christmas because he gives the well behaved kids a special gift.
* Q: What do Michael Jackson and Walmart have in common?
A: They both wait 3 months after the child is born to give piercings.
* Q: What does Michael Jackson think of when he sees a boy in a McDonald's suit?
A: A happy meal.
* Q: What's Michael Jackson's Chinese name?
A: Melikeemyoung.
* Q: What's 6 + 46 + 5?
A: A threesome with Michael Jackson.
* Q: What did Michael Jackson say to his credit card?
A: You are not alone. I am plastic too.
* Q: Who's Michael Jackson's favorite poet?
A: Emily Dick in son.
* Q: Why did Michael invite Macaulay Culkin to his house?
A: He's like the little boy he never had.
* Q: What did Michael yell when he fall off the boat?
A: "Throw me the buoy!"
* Q: What's Michael's favorite snack?
A: Slim jims.
* Q: What's Michael's favorite fast food?
A: Big Boys.
* Q: What do Michael and Rum have in common?
A: They both come in small tots.
* Q: What does Michael hand round after dinner?
A: The under eights.
* Q: What's black and white and comes in little cans?
A: Michael Jackson.
* Q: Why does Michael scream?
A: Because it hurts.
* Q: Why does Miohael scream when he touches his nuts?
A: He's sore from the kids last night.
* Q: What were Michael's baby first words?
A: Which one is mommy?
* Q: Why did Michael dangle his baby over a balcony?
A: Because he overheard his wife asking someone to drop the children off a few stories.
* Q: What was the big break in Michael Jackson molestation case?
A: A doctor did a rectal exam of one of the boys bringing charges and found a white glove.
* Q: How does Michael keep his youth?
A: Pizza and Nintendo.
* Q: Where does Michael go to find a date?
A: Boys R Us.
* Q: What makes Michael so unique?
A: It's the little boy inside him.
* Q: What do Michael and gaylord Perry have in common?
A: Both have held lots of wet balls in their hands.
* Q: How do you know when it's bedtime at the Jackson residence?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand.
* Q: What child's game does Michael not allow to be played at his Neverland ranch?
A: Got your nose! Put it back!
* Q: What do Michael and Whitney Houston have in common?
A: They both like a little crack now and then.
* Q: Why did Michael check into the Betty Ford Clinic?
A: To get over his 11 year crack habit.
* Q: Why does Michael really need to go to rehab?
A: He's a crack addict.
* Q: Why doesn't Michael sleep with boys anymore?
A: He's tired of all the cracks.
* Q: What did Michael say when he got back to Neverland Ranch from drug rehab?
A: You know, I feel like a new boy!
* Q: What's the first problem that Michael's child will have in life?
A: Figuring out which parent is his mother.
* Q: What's sex like for Michael?
A: Child's play.
* Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
A: Acne doesn't come on your face until you're about fifteen.
* Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?
A: One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.
* Q: What's the difference between Michael and a chicken?
A: One says, "Cock'll-doodle-do" and the other says, "Any-little-boy's-cock'll-do"
* Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Richard Nixon?
A: One was a consummate asshole, the other a consummated asshole.
* Q: Why has Michael been appearing on children's shows lately?
A: He has a lot to plug.
* Q: Why did Michael cross the road?
A: He saw someone blowing bubbles and thought he'd join in.
* Q: What did the mother at the beach say to Michael?
A: Excuse me, but you're in my son."
* Q: What do any of the Mets have in common with Michael?
A: They all wear one glove for no apparent reason.
* Q: How will they ensure that Micahel gets a through body search?
A: Hire a Catholic priest to do it.
* Q: What's the difference between Michael and a proctologist?
A: A proctologist doesn't pay for the assholes he's poked around in.
* Q: What does Micheal and broccoli have in common?
A: Both are force fed to little boys.
* Q: What did Elvis say after seeing Michael and Lisa Marie on television?
A: Boy, that's a relief. I thought she married a black guy!
* Q: What did Lisa Marie Presley say to Michael when he popped her the question?
A: Yes, I'll marry you. But promise me one thing... NO KIDS!"
* Q: What was Michael Jackson thinking abuot on his wedding night?
A: Hmmm, now Lisa Marie can give me a little boy of my own.
* Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson had a baby boy last week?
A: Yup, it's true and the week before that he had a 12 year old boy.
* Q: What did Michael say to Woody Allen?
A: Got two fives for a ten?
* Q: Why does Michael like gingerbread men?
A: Because he can eat them up without a law suit.
* Michael Jackson decided to have a boy of his own because it's too expensive to rent them at $2 million a pop.
* On November 19, 2002, Michael Jackson was photographed displaying 9 month old Prince Michael II to a throng of 200 fans by dangling him over the fourth floor balcony of the Adlon Hotel in Berlin. Prince Michael II has a white towel wrapped around his head. Perhaps Prince Michael II was recovering from plastic surgery because Michael thought that he looked too human.
* You know in a few years they'll probably change Prince Michael Jackson, Jr. to : "The child formerly known as Michael Jackson's Baby."
* A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks, "Is god male or female?" After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, God is both male and female." This confuses the little boy so he asks, "Is god black or white?" "Well, god is both black and white." This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is god gay or straight?" At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers none the less, "Honey, god is both gay and straight." At this, the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Is god Michael Jackson?"
* Michael Jackson asked his wife's doctor how soon after the birth could he have sex. The doctor said, "You should wait until the kid is at least 12 or 13 years old."
* The pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest.
* Rumor has it that Michael Jackson is in Switzerland undergoing cosmetic surgery on his pecker. Then the description the California Justice Deptartment got from the little boy won't fit anymore. Another rumor has it that he's finally going all the way and changing gender entirely.
* Michael Jackson first wanted to look like Diana Ross, then a white person, now he wants to be a Roman Catholic priest.
* If you play Thriller backwards, you can hear Michael confessing all the names of the boys he touched. That's why it is 14 minutes long.
* I just bought a new car stereo. When you shout out "soul", it plays soul music. When you shout out "rock", it plays rock music. Some kids ran in front of my car and I shouted "fucking kids" and it played Michael Jackson.
* A person asks, "What is 2+2?". The engineer says, "Well, it is almost 4 but never actually reaches it." The lawyer says, "Case files seem to say it is 4." Then Michael said "That's easy! The age of the boys I like!"
* Tuck the end of a jacket sleeve into your pants crotch. Hold the jacket off to the side. Then ask, "what's this?" "Dunno." "Michael Jackson helping a kid put his coat on."
* Janet and Michael Jackson were at home one night. Janet said, "Shall we get a pizza and video tonight?" Michael responded, "Yeah, ok. Can we get Aladdin?" Janet said, "No, just a pizza and a video."
* The publishers of "Where's Waldo?" have jumped on the multi-media bandwagon. This week they will be releasing a CD-Rom called, "Where's Michael?" which features elusive pop star Michael Jackson. Users of the CD-ROM search through a virtual world of exclusive resorts and drug-rehab centers for Mr. Jackson, who will be obscured by hordes of bodyguards and lawyers. The only users who will be able to find Michael will be little boys, who will then be encouraged by a 3-D Jackson to find "his" Waldo.
* Michael Jackson was on a ship with 100 boy scouts when it hit an iceberg and started to sink. The captain announced, "We're sinking!" Everyone abandon ship!" Michael asked, "What about the children?" The captain said, "Fuck the children!" Michael looked around eagerly and asked, "Do we have time?"
* A little eight year old boy is distraught because his parents have just been killed in a horrible car accident. He had no other family, so he is now an orphan, doomed to a life on the streets. He's sitting in the gutter in the pouring rain, sobbing his little hear out, with no money and no hope, cold and freezing and soaking wet. Suddenly, a stretch limousine pulls up and out steps Michael Jackson. "Hey, what's up little fella?" says a kindly Jackson. The little orphan boy tells Jackson his tragic story. A look of pity on Jackson's face, he pats the little boy on the head and then drops his trousers and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"
* Allstate Agent said to me, "Are you in good hands?" "Yes I am, as long as they are not Michael Jackson's"
* I heard shortly before having Michael Jackson's baby, the woman who was impreganted by him was asked some questions by some reporters. A reporter said, "Have you been able to determine its sex?" The woman replied, "No. I want to wait until after it's born. As long as it's healthy. The reporter replied, "Ma'am, I was referring to Michael."
* Michael Jackson's Greatest Hits
1. Reach out and Touch Someone.
2. Hey, there, Predator.
3. Touch me once, touch me twice, touch me once again.
4. The best toys are little boys.
5. The Wacko Touch
6. He touched me.
7. He let his fingers do the walking (In Private places)
8. Come open my fly with me.
9. Feeler
10. Put your hand in the pants of Michael Jackson.
11. Beat it and eat it.
12. The boy who made me throw up.
13. Full moon at high noon.
14. I'm dropping my drawers over you.
15. I'm queet, I'm not all here.
16. Groping the World.
17. Feelings
18. Dance of the Pedophiles.
19. Molesters' March
20. That Queer old feeling
* Michael Jackson and Pee wee Herman are coming out with a new video called, "I'll beat it for you."
* Michael Jackson went to church and confesed, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned with young boys". The priest replied, "It's ok, I have done it also."
* Neverland. The only place that Jackson rides the animals and the animals ride him!
* If Elvis was alive, would he be driving a white Ford Bronco with blood stains on the driver door?
Holycrap took me awhile to type those...frick...wasted a good 7 minutes of my life *continues to listen to wind nocturne(lunar boat song)*
A: It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing."
* Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is white, made of plastic, and is harmful to kids to play with and the other is to carry around your groceries.
* Q: Why did Michael Jackson go to K-Mart?
A: He heard boys' pants were half-off!
* Knock Knock. Who's there? Litle boy blew. Little boy blew who? Michael Jackson.
* Q: What do Michael Jackson and a Big Mac have in common?
A: They're both 30 year old meat between 10 year old buns!
* Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a Perfect 10?
A: Two 5 year olds.
* Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: Because they aren't his!
* Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's toaster?
A: The bread goes in brown and comes out white.
* Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A: From a catalogue.
* Q: Why did Michael Jackson call Boyz-2-Men?
A: He thought it was a delivery service.
* Q: What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
A: Michael Jackson
* Q: Why was Michael Jackson relieved of his Cub Scout Leader duties?
A: He was up to a pack a day.
* Q: What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
A: Michael Jackson slumber party
* Q: Why doesn't Michael Jackson sleep with boys anymore?
A: He's tired of all the cracks.
* Q: Did you know they're putting a Michael Jackson stamp?
A: Fans get to vote for the white or black Michael Jackson.
* Q: Why's Michael opening a sperm bank?
A: He always has a shitload of semen.
* Q: Who's Michael Jackson's favorite poet?
A: Emily Dick in son.
* Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a proctologist?
A: A proctologist doesn't pay for the assholes he's poked around in.
* Q: What's the worst stain to try to remove from a little boy's underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's makeup.
* Q: Did you hear about the new "Michael Jackson" candy bar?
A: It's made from white chocolate, and contains no nuts but kids like it.
* Q: Why does Michael Jackson hide for a couple hours after one of his little friends leave?
A: It takes that long to get the bubble gum off his dick.
* Q: What's the difference between Mr. Potato and Michael Jackson?
A: Michael Jackson has more noses.
* Q: What's Michael Jackson's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Little Boy blew.
* Q: How did Michael Jackson get in trouble?
A: He was feeling a little Randy.
* Q: Why does Michael Jackson like children so much?
A: He knows how they feel.
* Q: How can you tell when Michael Jackson is giving a party?
A: By all the Big Wheels in his driveway.
* Q: What makes Michael Jackson so unique?
A: It's the little boy inside him.
* Q: Why is Michael so tough?
A: He can lick any kid on the block.
* Q: What's the new movie about Michael Jackson called?
A: The Hand that Robs the Cradle.
* Q: What did Michael Jackson say after he was interrupted during sex?
A: Shit happens!
* Q: What's the difference between a horse racing jockey and Michael Jackson.
A: A jockey can mount 3 year olds legally.
* Q: What's Michael Jackson's new movie?
A: Honey I blew the kid.
* Q: What's Michael Jackson's favorite group?
A: New Kids on the Cock.
* Q: What's sex like for Michael?
A: Like candy from a baby.
* Q: What psychological problem does Michael Jackson still suffer from?
A: Anal retention
* Q: What do Michael Jackson and Catholic school nuns have in common?
A: Both are a pain in the ass to kids.
* Q: Why's Michael Jackson cutting down on public appearances?
A: He wants to spend more time with the kids.
* Q: How are Michael Jackson's friends like U.S. veterans?
A: They all get fucked in the end.
* Q: Why does Michael Jackson want to move to Ohio?
A: He heard there's a Youngstown there.
* Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson was taken to the Emergency Room?
A: He was choking on a small bone!
* Q: How many times does 12 goes into 35?
A: Ask Michael Jackson.
* Q: How many Michael Jacksons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Michael Jackson only screws little boys!
* Q: What's soft brown and sometimes found in little boy's diapers?
A: Michael Jackson's hand!
* Q: What's the worst thing about making love to Michael Jackson?
A: When the crib breaks.
* Q: How do you find out Michael Jackson's sperm count?
A: Look it up in Webster's.
* Q: How do we know Michael is guilty?
A: Several children have fingered him.
* Q: How is Michael now?
A: Feeling a little crotchety.
* Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest record?
A: "Feel the ?World."
* Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest song?
A: "Don't let your son go down on me."
* Q: What did Michael Jackson say when a boy in a car mooned him going down the road?
A: "I'll be there!"
* Q: What is Michael Jackson's favorite gospel song?
A: "And then he touched me."
* Q: What did Michael Jackson say to Lorena Bobbit?
A: Silly Bobbit! Dicks are for kids!
* Q: What do Michael Jackson and Miss Bobbit have in common?
A: They both played with little wieners.
* Q: Why did Michael Jackson get food poisoning?
A: He ate a nine year old wiener!
* Q: Why did Michael Jackson get kicked out of the school cafeteria?
A: Because he ate all the kids' wieners.
* Q: What does Michael Jackson call a circumcision?
A: Foreplay.
* Q: What do Michael Jackson and an xbox have in common?
A: Both get turned on by kids!
* Q: What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?
A: They both leave little boys' rooms with empty sacks.
* Q: What do Michael Jackson and Dr. Spock have in common?
A: They both know how to rear a child.
* Q: What do Michael Jackson and Michael Jordon have in common?
A: They both play ball in the minor league.
* Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan?
A: One is in Minors, the other is into Minors.
* Q: Why's Michael trying out for the NBA?
A: He's a crack shooter.
* Q: What does Michael Jackson have in common with NASA?
A: It's been 25 years since his first moon landing.
* Q: What is Michael Jackson's favorite holiday?
A: Christmas because he gives the well behaved kids a special gift.
* Q: What do Michael Jackson and Walmart have in common?
A: They both wait 3 months after the child is born to give piercings.
* Q: What does Michael Jackson think of when he sees a boy in a McDonald's suit?
A: A happy meal.
* Q: What's Michael Jackson's Chinese name?
A: Melikeemyoung.
* Q: What's 6 + 46 + 5?
A: A threesome with Michael Jackson.
* Q: What did Michael Jackson say to his credit card?
A: You are not alone. I am plastic too.
* Q: Who's Michael Jackson's favorite poet?
A: Emily Dick in son.
* Q: Why did Michael invite Macaulay Culkin to his house?
A: He's like the little boy he never had.
* Q: What did Michael yell when he fall off the boat?
A: "Throw me the buoy!"
* Q: What's Michael's favorite snack?
A: Slim jims.
* Q: What's Michael's favorite fast food?
A: Big Boys.
* Q: What do Michael and Rum have in common?
A: They both come in small tots.
* Q: What does Michael hand round after dinner?
A: The under eights.
* Q: What's black and white and comes in little cans?
A: Michael Jackson.
* Q: Why does Michael scream?
A: Because it hurts.
* Q: Why does Miohael scream when he touches his nuts?
A: He's sore from the kids last night.
* Q: What were Michael's baby first words?
A: Which one is mommy?
* Q: Why did Michael dangle his baby over a balcony?
A: Because he overheard his wife asking someone to drop the children off a few stories.
* Q: What was the big break in Michael Jackson molestation case?
A: A doctor did a rectal exam of one of the boys bringing charges and found a white glove.
* Q: How does Michael keep his youth?
A: Pizza and Nintendo.
* Q: Where does Michael go to find a date?
A: Boys R Us.
* Q: What makes Michael so unique?
A: It's the little boy inside him.
* Q: What do Michael and gaylord Perry have in common?
A: Both have held lots of wet balls in their hands.
* Q: How do you know when it's bedtime at the Jackson residence?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand.
* Q: What child's game does Michael not allow to be played at his Neverland ranch?
A: Got your nose! Put it back!
* Q: What do Michael and Whitney Houston have in common?
A: They both like a little crack now and then.
* Q: Why did Michael check into the Betty Ford Clinic?
A: To get over his 11 year crack habit.
* Q: Why does Michael really need to go to rehab?
A: He's a crack addict.
* Q: Why doesn't Michael sleep with boys anymore?
A: He's tired of all the cracks.
* Q: What did Michael say when he got back to Neverland Ranch from drug rehab?
A: You know, I feel like a new boy!
* Q: What's the first problem that Michael's child will have in life?
A: Figuring out which parent is his mother.
* Q: What's sex like for Michael?
A: Child's play.
* Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
A: Acne doesn't come on your face until you're about fifteen.
* Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?
A: One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.
* Q: What's the difference between Michael and a chicken?
A: One says, "Cock'll-doodle-do" and the other says, "Any-little-boy's-cock'll-do"
* Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Richard Nixon?
A: One was a consummate asshole, the other a consummated asshole.
* Q: Why has Michael been appearing on children's shows lately?
A: He has a lot to plug.
* Q: Why did Michael cross the road?
A: He saw someone blowing bubbles and thought he'd join in.
* Q: What did the mother at the beach say to Michael?
A: Excuse me, but you're in my son."
* Q: What do any of the Mets have in common with Michael?
A: They all wear one glove for no apparent reason.
* Q: How will they ensure that Micahel gets a through body search?
A: Hire a Catholic priest to do it.
* Q: What's the difference between Michael and a proctologist?
A: A proctologist doesn't pay for the assholes he's poked around in.
* Q: What does Micheal and broccoli have in common?
A: Both are force fed to little boys.
* Q: What did Elvis say after seeing Michael and Lisa Marie on television?
A: Boy, that's a relief. I thought she married a black guy!
* Q: What did Lisa Marie Presley say to Michael when he popped her the question?
A: Yes, I'll marry you. But promise me one thing... NO KIDS!"
* Q: What was Michael Jackson thinking abuot on his wedding night?
A: Hmmm, now Lisa Marie can give me a little boy of my own.
* Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson had a baby boy last week?
A: Yup, it's true and the week before that he had a 12 year old boy.
* Q: What did Michael say to Woody Allen?
A: Got two fives for a ten?
* Q: Why does Michael like gingerbread men?
A: Because he can eat them up without a law suit.
* Michael Jackson decided to have a boy of his own because it's too expensive to rent them at $2 million a pop.
* On November 19, 2002, Michael Jackson was photographed displaying 9 month old Prince Michael II to a throng of 200 fans by dangling him over the fourth floor balcony of the Adlon Hotel in Berlin. Prince Michael II has a white towel wrapped around his head. Perhaps Prince Michael II was recovering from plastic surgery because Michael thought that he looked too human.
* You know in a few years they'll probably change Prince Michael Jackson, Jr. to : "The child formerly known as Michael Jackson's Baby."
* A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks, "Is god male or female?" After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, God is both male and female." This confuses the little boy so he asks, "Is god black or white?" "Well, god is both black and white." This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is god gay or straight?" At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers none the less, "Honey, god is both gay and straight." At this, the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Is god Michael Jackson?"
* Michael Jackson asked his wife's doctor how soon after the birth could he have sex. The doctor said, "You should wait until the kid is at least 12 or 13 years old."
* The pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest.
* Rumor has it that Michael Jackson is in Switzerland undergoing cosmetic surgery on his pecker. Then the description the California Justice Deptartment got from the little boy won't fit anymore. Another rumor has it that he's finally going all the way and changing gender entirely.
* Michael Jackson first wanted to look like Diana Ross, then a white person, now he wants to be a Roman Catholic priest.
* If you play Thriller backwards, you can hear Michael confessing all the names of the boys he touched. That's why it is 14 minutes long.
* I just bought a new car stereo. When you shout out "soul", it plays soul music. When you shout out "rock", it plays rock music. Some kids ran in front of my car and I shouted "fucking kids" and it played Michael Jackson.
* A person asks, "What is 2+2?". The engineer says, "Well, it is almost 4 but never actually reaches it." The lawyer says, "Case files seem to say it is 4." Then Michael said "That's easy! The age of the boys I like!"
* Tuck the end of a jacket sleeve into your pants crotch. Hold the jacket off to the side. Then ask, "what's this?" "Dunno." "Michael Jackson helping a kid put his coat on."
* Janet and Michael Jackson were at home one night. Janet said, "Shall we get a pizza and video tonight?" Michael responded, "Yeah, ok. Can we get Aladdin?" Janet said, "No, just a pizza and a video."
* The publishers of "Where's Waldo?" have jumped on the multi-media bandwagon. This week they will be releasing a CD-Rom called, "Where's Michael?" which features elusive pop star Michael Jackson. Users of the CD-ROM search through a virtual world of exclusive resorts and drug-rehab centers for Mr. Jackson, who will be obscured by hordes of bodyguards and lawyers. The only users who will be able to find Michael will be little boys, who will then be encouraged by a 3-D Jackson to find "his" Waldo.
* Michael Jackson was on a ship with 100 boy scouts when it hit an iceberg and started to sink. The captain announced, "We're sinking!" Everyone abandon ship!" Michael asked, "What about the children?" The captain said, "Fuck the children!" Michael looked around eagerly and asked, "Do we have time?"
* A little eight year old boy is distraught because his parents have just been killed in a horrible car accident. He had no other family, so he is now an orphan, doomed to a life on the streets. He's sitting in the gutter in the pouring rain, sobbing his little hear out, with no money and no hope, cold and freezing and soaking wet. Suddenly, a stretch limousine pulls up and out steps Michael Jackson. "Hey, what's up little fella?" says a kindly Jackson. The little orphan boy tells Jackson his tragic story. A look of pity on Jackson's face, he pats the little boy on the head and then drops his trousers and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"
* Allstate Agent said to me, "Are you in good hands?" "Yes I am, as long as they are not Michael Jackson's"
* I heard shortly before having Michael Jackson's baby, the woman who was impreganted by him was asked some questions by some reporters. A reporter said, "Have you been able to determine its sex?" The woman replied, "No. I want to wait until after it's born. As long as it's healthy. The reporter replied, "Ma'am, I was referring to Michael."
* Michael Jackson's Greatest Hits
1. Reach out and Touch Someone.
2. Hey, there, Predator.
3. Touch me once, touch me twice, touch me once again.
4. The best toys are little boys.
5. The Wacko Touch
6. He touched me.
7. He let his fingers do the walking (In Private places)
8. Come open my fly with me.
9. Feeler
10. Put your hand in the pants of Michael Jackson.
11. Beat it and eat it.
12. The boy who made me throw up.
13. Full moon at high noon.
14. I'm dropping my drawers over you.
15. I'm queet, I'm not all here.
16. Groping the World.
17. Feelings
18. Dance of the Pedophiles.
19. Molesters' March
20. That Queer old feeling
* Michael Jackson and Pee wee Herman are coming out with a new video called, "I'll beat it for you."
* Michael Jackson went to church and confesed, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned with young boys". The priest replied, "It's ok, I have done it also."
* Neverland. The only place that Jackson rides the animals and the animals ride him!
* If Elvis was alive, would he be driving a white Ford Bronco with blood stains on the driver door?
Holycrap took me awhile to type those...frick...wasted a good 7 minutes of my life *continues to listen to wind nocturne(lunar boat song)*
eh i messed up the lightings a bit owell ill make another soon
-
David - Slaughterer
- Posts: 3013
- Joined: Mon Nov 22, 2004 11:51 pm
by Nevahku » Sun Sep 18, 2005 10:22 pm
Ok...lets get off the Michael Jackson jokes..shall we?
THREE WOMEN -- ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY -- WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. THAT WAS MY PAGER, SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE
SKIN OF MY ARM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.
THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE; SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER
HANGING FROM HER BEHIND. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FINALLY SAID, WELL, WOULD JA LOOK AT THAT. I'M GETTIN' A FAX.
THREE WOMEN -- ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY -- WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. THAT WAS MY PAGER, SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE
SKIN OF MY ARM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.
THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE; SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER
HANGING FROM HER BEHIND. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FINALLY SAID, WELL, WOULD JA LOOK AT THAT. I'M GETTIN' A FAX.
-
Nevahku - Conquerer
- Posts: 1128
- Joined: Mon Dec 29, 2003 12:12 am
by CrimsonBlade » Sun Sep 18, 2005 10:47 pm
Nevahku @ Sep 18 2005, 09:22 PM wrote: Ok...lets get off the Michael Jackson jokes..shall we?
THREE WOMEN -- ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY -- WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. THAT WAS MY PAGER, SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE
SKIN OF MY ARM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.
THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE; SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER
HANGING FROM HER BEHIND. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FINALLY SAID, WELL, WOULD JA LOOK AT THAT. I'M GETTIN' A FAX.
lmao
In this world of emptiness there is no form, no feelings, perceptions, impulses, or consciousness. No eye, ear, tongue body, or mind. Therefore, no color, sound, smell, taste, touch, or thought. The world of form does not exist, nor the world of the mind or of ignorance; no old age and no death.
When the mind does not become attached to anything, there are no obstacles and fear does not exist. This mind goes beyond all disruptive views and attains Nirvana
wisdom of enlightenment as the great unexplainable true word
- Buddish Lotus Sutra
<img src="http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a227/daydreamer1229/vetcopy.jpg" alt="Image hosting by Photobucket">
When the mind does not become attached to anything, there are no obstacles and fear does not exist. This mind goes beyond all disruptive views and attains Nirvana
wisdom of enlightenment as the great unexplainable true word
- Buddish Lotus Sutra
<img src="http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a227/daydreamer1229/vetcopy.jpg" alt="Image hosting by Photobucket">
-
CrimsonBlade - Slaughterer
- Posts: 2850
- Joined: Fri Apr 23, 2004 12:23 am
by David » Mon Sep 19, 2005 8:09 pm
* Q: How do blonde brain cells die?
A: Alone.
* Q: Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs?
A: She needed them for the darkroom she was building.
* Q: Why did the blonde have only three children?
A: Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.
* Q: What is it when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer
* Q: What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek winner.
* Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: They are easier to amuse.
* Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for French fries.
* Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't fetch a beer from the fridge.
* Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever!
* Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes their hair brunette?
A: Artificial Intelligence.
* Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
* Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
* Q: What do you get when you ask a blonde, a penny for your thoughts?
A: Change!
* Q: What did the blonde customer say to the waitress when reading her nametag?
A: "Mary..... that's cure. What did you name the other one?"
* Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.
* Q: Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists?
A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
* Q: What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek winner.
* Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
* Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
* Q: Why do blondes drive BMW's?
A: Cause they can spell it.
* Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has a higher sperm count.
* Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: Because you can park in the handicap zone.
* Q: Why do all blondes have dimples on their chin and a flat forehead?
A: Finger on chin means, "I don't know..." Hits forehead with hand means, "I get it!"
* Q: How is a blonde like a frying pan?
A: You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.
* Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
* Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring?
* Q: Why are blondes called "Twinkies"
A: They're always being filled with cream.
* Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Don't tell her to swallow.
* Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.
* Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on top of her forehead?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.
* Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: Because they can't find the zipper.
* Q: How do you keep a blonde busy?
A: Write "Please turn over" on both sides of a piece of paper.
* Q: Why do blondes drive cars with a sunroof?
A: More leg room.
* Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
* Q: What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A: Way to go team!
* Q: What does a blond say during a porno?
A: There I am!
* Q: Why did the blonde cover her ears with her hands tightly?
A: To hold on to a thought.
* Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
* Q: How does the blonde turn on the light after she has had sex?
A: She opens the car door.
* Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
* Q: Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.
* Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A: A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.
* Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.
* Q: Why are blondes' coffin Y-shaped?
A: Because as soon as they're on their backs, their legs open.
* Q: To a blonde, what's long and hard?
A: Fourth Grade.
* Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: "Is it mine?"
* Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a boc of Cheerios?
A: "Oh, look! Donut seeds!"
* Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
* Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.
* Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
A: The other guys waiting their turn.
* Q: How do you know when a blond's been in your frige?
A: Lipstick on the cucumbers.
* Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
* Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
* Q: Why do blondes give such good blowjobs?
A: Because that's what they train for all their lives.
* Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What? What?
* Q: How did the blonde try to kill the worm?
A: She buried it alive.
* Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
A: The joystick is wet.
* Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know which day of the week it is.
* Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in 747.
* Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
* Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
A: She turned it over and used the other side.
* Q: Why do blondes look up and smile at lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.
---------------
* A policeman pulls a blonde in a sports car over for speeding and is trying to explain to her what and where her driver's license might be. After she eventually gives him her driver's license, he asks for registration. Getting another blank blonder look from her, he explains, "It's that little piece of paper you get with your car and you keep it in the glove compartment." "Ah," she says as she bends over to get it While she is looking through the glove compartment, the officer unzips his pants and pulls his penis out. Excited that she had found her registration, she turns around and looks up. A look of dismay crosses her face and she says, "Oh, no! Not another breathalizer test!"
* A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?" "Sure" he replies. "What's the problem?" "Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces." "Look on the box." he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is." "It's a big rooster." she said. The husband arrives home and tells the blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."
* A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "Ok jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? Whad do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large all in the name of humor." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm taking to that little fucker on your knee!"
* After a bizarre cliff side accident, all even members of the women's outing found themselves hanging perilously from a rope over the edge of the cliff. Ten of the women were blondes and one was a brunette. After dangling there for a only a short while became obvious that the rope could not hold all their collective weight. They decided that to prevent the rope snapping and killing them all, one of them must sacrifice themselves and let go, to save the others. Well they talked about it for a while but no one could decide a fair way of choosing who should jump. Finally, the brunette, exasperated by the indeciveness of the blondes, could see that if nobody acted soon the rope was going to snap. To save the others she bravely decided that it must be her who made the sacrifice. She plucked up a little courage and told the others that she would jump to save them. After giving a short but very moving speech that she hoped would be remembered after she'd gone, the blondes were so moved that they all started clapping!"
* Back in the old Wild West, there were two blonde cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong drink in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm. The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians, last week they burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children." He says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars." The two blondes looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head. The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. Then two blondes made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to clam their trophy. Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this." Dave replied, "Not now, I'm busy." Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this." Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand." But Jeff was adamant. "Please, Dave, take a look at this." So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians. Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh my god, we're going to be millionaires!"
* There are two blondes and a brunette on an island. One of the blondes finds a bottle and a genie pops out. The genie says he will grant them one wish each. The first blonde says, "I need to get off this island, I wish for a rowboat." With a flash, a rowboat appears and she rushes out into the ocean. The second blonde says, "I need to get off this island, I need a jetski." Wish a flash, a jetski appears and she rushes out into the ocean, soon overtaking the first blonde. The genie looks enquiringly toward the brunette, who with raised eyebrows, smiles and says, "Just give me a million dollars, I'll take the bridge."
* A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeeps, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shop keeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the same blonde standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
* There was a blonde, a brunette, a redhead standing on the beach. They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English channel. After some discussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breast stroke, so off they set. One day later the Redhead reached the French coast. Having lost sight of the other two swimmers just off the English coast she decided that they couldn't be far behind so she sat on the beach looking out to sea waiting for the other two. After a cold night of waiting, the Brunette finally came into sight. "What took you so long?" inquired the redhead. "There were some strong currents out there! But I'm here now! Am I the last?" replied the Brunette. "No. Blonde is still out there somewhere." They decided to wait. Day after day the two swimmers sat on the beach until on the 5th day Blondie came into view. Once on dry land the Brunette asked the blonde "What took you so long?" "What do you expect? You guys cheated!" replied the blonde, "You used your hands!"
* A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded, "I tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor." "No, from all that skipping."
* A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A blonde." The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
* Santa Claus, the easter bunny, the tooth fairy, a smart blonde, and a dumb blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $100 on the ground. Who gets it? Nobody. The first four don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.
* A blond and a brunette jump off the Empire State Building. It takes the blonde 3 minutes longer to hit the ground than it does or the brunette. Why? She had to stop to ask for directions.
* Two dumb blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first dumb blond said, "These look like deer tracks." and the other blonde said, "No, they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing until the train hit them.
* Two dumb blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
* A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managaed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state tropper arrived. "My goodness!" the trooper exclaimed, "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you ok ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this tree pops up in front of me. So i swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...." "Uh, ma'am" the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air fresher swinging back and forth."
* A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. the lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you." and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep.
* Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered, "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answer, "I don't know, I thought you were watching!"
* There's a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. A man walks in with really bad dandruff, so the brunette says, "Someone should give him head and shoulders." The blonde replies, "I know how to give head but how do you give shoulders?"
* A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the cops. They all hide on a potato farm. They crawl into some potato bags. The first cop pokes the bag with the brunette in it, she says, "Meow." The cop thinks that it's just a cat. The second cop pokes the bag with the redhead in it. She says, "Woof." The cop thinks it's a dog. The third cop pokes the bag with the blonde in it. She says, "Potato."
* One day there was a brunette jogging down the road saying, "66...66...66" etc. Later down the road a blonde comes up to her and asks her what she is doing. The brunette replied, "66...66...66" etc. So, the blonde went to the other side of the road and started jogging down the road saying, "66...66...66" etc. After a while, the brunette says to the blonde and said, "It's alot more fun in the middle of the road." "Ok." replied the blonde. So she started jogging down the middle of the road. Just then, a monster truck comes by and hits the blonde. The brunette still kept jogging down the road saying, "67...67...67"
* One day this blonde walked into a store and said, "I'd like to buy that TV." The sales said, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes." The blonde went home and dyed her hair red. She went back to the store and said, "I'd like to buy that TV." "Sorry we don't sell to blondes." The man replied again. She went and dyed her hair black, then returned to the store and said, "I'd like to buy that TV." Again the man said, "Sorry we don't sell to blondes." The blonde finally asks, "How did you know I was a blonde?" The man said, "Because that's not a TV it's a microwave."
* A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here." The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right ehre." The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I have learned to speak the language of blonde." The pilot goes to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and without question she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. The pilot said, "I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal.
* The guy just started at his new job working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave a while. The new guy is waiting until a white woman comes in. She asks, "How much for a white dildo?". The man responds, "$35." "How much for the black one?" "$35." "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks, "How much for a black one?" The man responds, "$35." "How much for the white one?" "$35." "I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" "$35 for white or black." She says, "How much for that plaid one on the sheld?" "Well, that's a very special dildo. It'll cost you $165." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before." She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the salesman responed, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and your thermos for $165!"
* A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals. She proudly said, "Go ahead, ask me. I know all of them." A red head said, "Ok. What's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy. W."
* There were three people stranded on an island. They were a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try and swim to shore." She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. The redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than to stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it. I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, 10 miles, 15 miles, 19 miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
hmm blonde jokes.
A: Alone.
* Q: Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs?
A: She needed them for the darkroom she was building.
* Q: Why did the blonde have only three children?
A: Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.
* Q: What is it when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer
* Q: What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek winner.
* Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: They are easier to amuse.
* Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for French fries.
* Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't fetch a beer from the fridge.
* Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever!
* Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes their hair brunette?
A: Artificial Intelligence.
* Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
* Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
* Q: What do you get when you ask a blonde, a penny for your thoughts?
A: Change!
* Q: What did the blonde customer say to the waitress when reading her nametag?
A: "Mary..... that's cure. What did you name the other one?"
* Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.
* Q: Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists?
A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
* Q: What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek winner.
* Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
* Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
* Q: Why do blondes drive BMW's?
A: Cause they can spell it.
* Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has a higher sperm count.
* Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: Because you can park in the handicap zone.
* Q: Why do all blondes have dimples on their chin and a flat forehead?
A: Finger on chin means, "I don't know..." Hits forehead with hand means, "I get it!"
* Q: How is a blonde like a frying pan?
A: You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.
* Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
* Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring?
* Q: Why are blondes called "Twinkies"
A: They're always being filled with cream.
* Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Don't tell her to swallow.
* Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.
* Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on top of her forehead?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.
* Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: Because they can't find the zipper.
* Q: How do you keep a blonde busy?
A: Write "Please turn over" on both sides of a piece of paper.
* Q: Why do blondes drive cars with a sunroof?
A: More leg room.
* Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
* Q: What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A: Way to go team!
* Q: What does a blond say during a porno?
A: There I am!
* Q: Why did the blonde cover her ears with her hands tightly?
A: To hold on to a thought.
* Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
* Q: How does the blonde turn on the light after she has had sex?
A: She opens the car door.
* Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
* Q: Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.
* Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A: A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.
* Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.
* Q: Why are blondes' coffin Y-shaped?
A: Because as soon as they're on their backs, their legs open.
* Q: To a blonde, what's long and hard?
A: Fourth Grade.
* Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: "Is it mine?"
* Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a boc of Cheerios?
A: "Oh, look! Donut seeds!"
* Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
* Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.
* Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
A: The other guys waiting their turn.
* Q: How do you know when a blond's been in your frige?
A: Lipstick on the cucumbers.
* Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
* Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
* Q: Why do blondes give such good blowjobs?
A: Because that's what they train for all their lives.
* Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What? What?
* Q: How did the blonde try to kill the worm?
A: She buried it alive.
* Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
A: The joystick is wet.
* Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know which day of the week it is.
* Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in 747.
* Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
* Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
A: She turned it over and used the other side.
* Q: Why do blondes look up and smile at lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.
---------------
* A policeman pulls a blonde in a sports car over for speeding and is trying to explain to her what and where her driver's license might be. After she eventually gives him her driver's license, he asks for registration. Getting another blank blonder look from her, he explains, "It's that little piece of paper you get with your car and you keep it in the glove compartment." "Ah," she says as she bends over to get it While she is looking through the glove compartment, the officer unzips his pants and pulls his penis out. Excited that she had found her registration, she turns around and looks up. A look of dismay crosses her face and she says, "Oh, no! Not another breathalizer test!"
* A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?" "Sure" he replies. "What's the problem?" "Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces." "Look on the box." he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is." "It's a big rooster." she said. The husband arrives home and tells the blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."
* A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "Ok jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? Whad do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large all in the name of humor." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm taking to that little fucker on your knee!"
* After a bizarre cliff side accident, all even members of the women's outing found themselves hanging perilously from a rope over the edge of the cliff. Ten of the women were blondes and one was a brunette. After dangling there for a only a short while became obvious that the rope could not hold all their collective weight. They decided that to prevent the rope snapping and killing them all, one of them must sacrifice themselves and let go, to save the others. Well they talked about it for a while but no one could decide a fair way of choosing who should jump. Finally, the brunette, exasperated by the indeciveness of the blondes, could see that if nobody acted soon the rope was going to snap. To save the others she bravely decided that it must be her who made the sacrifice. She plucked up a little courage and told the others that she would jump to save them. After giving a short but very moving speech that she hoped would be remembered after she'd gone, the blondes were so moved that they all started clapping!"
* Back in the old Wild West, there were two blonde cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong drink in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm. The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians, last week they burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children." He says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars." The two blondes looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head. The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. Then two blondes made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to clam their trophy. Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this." Dave replied, "Not now, I'm busy." Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this." Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand." But Jeff was adamant. "Please, Dave, take a look at this." So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians. Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh my god, we're going to be millionaires!"
* There are two blondes and a brunette on an island. One of the blondes finds a bottle and a genie pops out. The genie says he will grant them one wish each. The first blonde says, "I need to get off this island, I wish for a rowboat." With a flash, a rowboat appears and she rushes out into the ocean. The second blonde says, "I need to get off this island, I need a jetski." Wish a flash, a jetski appears and she rushes out into the ocean, soon overtaking the first blonde. The genie looks enquiringly toward the brunette, who with raised eyebrows, smiles and says, "Just give me a million dollars, I'll take the bridge."
* A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeeps, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shop keeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the same blonde standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
* There was a blonde, a brunette, a redhead standing on the beach. They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English channel. After some discussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breast stroke, so off they set. One day later the Redhead reached the French coast. Having lost sight of the other two swimmers just off the English coast she decided that they couldn't be far behind so she sat on the beach looking out to sea waiting for the other two. After a cold night of waiting, the Brunette finally came into sight. "What took you so long?" inquired the redhead. "There were some strong currents out there! But I'm here now! Am I the last?" replied the Brunette. "No. Blonde is still out there somewhere." They decided to wait. Day after day the two swimmers sat on the beach until on the 5th day Blondie came into view. Once on dry land the Brunette asked the blonde "What took you so long?" "What do you expect? You guys cheated!" replied the blonde, "You used your hands!"
* A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded, "I tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor." "No, from all that skipping."
* A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A blonde." The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
* Santa Claus, the easter bunny, the tooth fairy, a smart blonde, and a dumb blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $100 on the ground. Who gets it? Nobody. The first four don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.
* A blond and a brunette jump off the Empire State Building. It takes the blonde 3 minutes longer to hit the ground than it does or the brunette. Why? She had to stop to ask for directions.
* Two dumb blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first dumb blond said, "These look like deer tracks." and the other blonde said, "No, they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing until the train hit them.
* Two dumb blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
* A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managaed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state tropper arrived. "My goodness!" the trooper exclaimed, "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you ok ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this tree pops up in front of me. So i swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...." "Uh, ma'am" the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air fresher swinging back and forth."
* A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. the lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you." and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep.
* Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered, "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answer, "I don't know, I thought you were watching!"
* There's a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. A man walks in with really bad dandruff, so the brunette says, "Someone should give him head and shoulders." The blonde replies, "I know how to give head but how do you give shoulders?"
* A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the cops. They all hide on a potato farm. They crawl into some potato bags. The first cop pokes the bag with the brunette in it, she says, "Meow." The cop thinks that it's just a cat. The second cop pokes the bag with the redhead in it. She says, "Woof." The cop thinks it's a dog. The third cop pokes the bag with the blonde in it. She says, "Potato."
* One day there was a brunette jogging down the road saying, "66...66...66" etc. Later down the road a blonde comes up to her and asks her what she is doing. The brunette replied, "66...66...66" etc. So, the blonde went to the other side of the road and started jogging down the road saying, "66...66...66" etc. After a while, the brunette says to the blonde and said, "It's alot more fun in the middle of the road." "Ok." replied the blonde. So she started jogging down the middle of the road. Just then, a monster truck comes by and hits the blonde. The brunette still kept jogging down the road saying, "67...67...67"
* One day this blonde walked into a store and said, "I'd like to buy that TV." The sales said, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes." The blonde went home and dyed her hair red. She went back to the store and said, "I'd like to buy that TV." "Sorry we don't sell to blondes." The man replied again. She went and dyed her hair black, then returned to the store and said, "I'd like to buy that TV." Again the man said, "Sorry we don't sell to blondes." The blonde finally asks, "How did you know I was a blonde?" The man said, "Because that's not a TV it's a microwave."
* A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here." The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right ehre." The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I have learned to speak the language of blonde." The pilot goes to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and without question she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. The pilot said, "I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal.
* The guy just started at his new job working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave a while. The new guy is waiting until a white woman comes in. She asks, "How much for a white dildo?". The man responds, "$35." "How much for the black one?" "$35." "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks, "How much for a black one?" The man responds, "$35." "How much for the white one?" "$35." "I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" "$35 for white or black." She says, "How much for that plaid one on the sheld?" "Well, that's a very special dildo. It'll cost you $165." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before." She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the salesman responed, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and your thermos for $165!"
* A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals. She proudly said, "Go ahead, ask me. I know all of them." A red head said, "Ok. What's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy. W."
* There were three people stranded on an island. They were a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try and swim to shore." She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. The redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than to stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it. I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, 10 miles, 15 miles, 19 miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
hmm blonde jokes.
eh i messed up the lightings a bit owell ill make another soon
-
David - Slaughterer
- Posts: 3013
- Joined: Mon Nov 22, 2004 11:51 pm
by Nevahku » Mon Sep 19, 2005 8:50 pm
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked him," Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied,"Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixin' fences, pulling calves, cleaning my barns, fixin' flats, working on tractors, and feeding livestock. So, I guess I'm a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I'm in the shower, I think about women. When I watch tv, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems like everything makes me think about women."
The two sat drinking in silence.
The young woman left, and after a short time, a man sat near the old cowboy and asked," Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied," I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
--------------------------------
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.
Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," said the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey lifesavers in their mouths, everyone of the children was stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one child spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and yelled, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"
----------------------------------
REDNECK LOVE POEM
SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.
YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
---------------------------------------
Two black men were distributing boxes of that Govt cheese in a Mexican
neighborhood one day. At lunch time they pulled up in front of this little Mexican
diner and went in and had lunch. While they're in there these three Mexicans
sees this truck full of cheese, Shit they jump in it , hotwire it and drive off. Each
of them has a hunk of cheese and the one says ,"Hey vato esse man, this is some
cheddar cheese man." The other one ,"Oh no Holms, this is some longhorn
cheese." The driver says , "Oh no, both you putos 're wrong , this is some nacho
cheese." They say, " how do you know?" He says,"I don't know, but there's two
black dudes chasing us saying," YO! come back with that truck, that's not'cho
cheese!"
She turned to the cowboy and asked him," Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied,"Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixin' fences, pulling calves, cleaning my barns, fixin' flats, working on tractors, and feeding livestock. So, I guess I'm a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I'm in the shower, I think about women. When I watch tv, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems like everything makes me think about women."
The two sat drinking in silence.
The young woman left, and after a short time, a man sat near the old cowboy and asked," Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied," I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
--------------------------------
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.
Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," said the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey lifesavers in their mouths, everyone of the children was stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one child spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and yelled, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"
----------------------------------
REDNECK LOVE POEM
SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.
YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
---------------------------------------
Two black men were distributing boxes of that Govt cheese in a Mexican
neighborhood one day. At lunch time they pulled up in front of this little Mexican
diner and went in and had lunch. While they're in there these three Mexicans
sees this truck full of cheese, Shit they jump in it , hotwire it and drive off. Each
of them has a hunk of cheese and the one says ,"Hey vato esse man, this is some
cheddar cheese man." The other one ,"Oh no Holms, this is some longhorn
cheese." The driver says , "Oh no, both you putos 're wrong , this is some nacho
cheese." They say, " how do you know?" He says,"I don't know, but there's two
black dudes chasing us saying," YO! come back with that truck, that's not'cho
cheese!"
-
Nevahku - Conquerer
- Posts: 1128
- Joined: Mon Dec 29, 2003 12:12 am
17 posts • Page 1 of 1
Who is online
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests